Kazn

I’m at work n there’s a five clients in the boardroom. One tall black male (I dk he’s true ethnicity), one caucasian male, one Italian male. and two females both Chinese. The 2 males are aguing over some girl they met at the bar last night, while the black guy is on his phone with an investor. Chinese girls are talking about their kids. We’re waitn for the black guy to get off the phone to continue the meeting. The 2 males arguing are 38 & 42. The ladies, 31 & 34. The other gentleman is 36. I’m mentioning this kuz no matter how old u are guys will still be arguing bojt a girl they met at a bar lol. Mind u, the only difference now at their age is, they’re married -.- . And ladies will always be off in their own segregated world from the male species :p. But as per what we deem as childish, guys could careless and just get over it faster than females would argue. However, lately I noticed most younger males are sensitive to small blows. Maybe, I lived in a different era where they weren’t really enamoured to express or voice their feelings. But fact of the matter still remains, understanding and patience only builds through age. Without the experiences, u’re still a bare individual.

It maybe a lil early for this but freal some girls look better with makeup and others don’t. Personally, I don’t wear makeup unless I’m feeln the necessity. Plus my skin is sensitive.

These two girls I grew up with, n for keepn their identities intacted, I’ll name one cherry n the other apple. Cherry was always a pretty girl. She didnt need to put too much effort to look good. While Apple well she wasn’t in the in-crowd. One day, Apple started to wear makeup around gr 8. She got addicted to having people take notice, she started puttn it on everyday. As the years passed Cherry was stil getn more attention than Apple. And Apple could nvr understand y this is so. Apple turned sour n envious and started developing hate issues towards prettier girls than her. She got caught up w partying, drugs and well being a bitch. She dropped out of College, lost her scholarship and ended up bein a waitress and a single mom. While Cherry is finished her doctorate, happy family with two kids n a loving husband, they’ve been married for 3 yrs now. Apple can no longer leave her house without makeup. Kuz her eyebrows won’t grow back and she has to cover up scars on her face that her ex bf did. It’s taking her awhile to accept herself and let go of her hate. Moral of the story, if ure not confident with who u r then with whom u display to the world wear means nothing.

Maybe I’m just having a moment of weakness right now. I don’t know. I’ve been wearing a mask again and not showing the real me. I’ve said it over n over, I dk where to go I dk what I’m supposed to do. I’m so lost and it’s crippling me. Crippling my momentary muses, my innovative mind, my loving heart, my beed to just express myself positively. It’s so hard for me to be consciously unaware and I’m incapable of getting too close to people. My outer me is telln the people around me I’m fine. Inside I’m scared.

My gramps is getn older n weaker some days. I get so annoyed w his attitude and how angry he is. And how he criticizes my moms efforts. A part of me says “this is life, everyone dies” but another part of me will see my mom hurt.

My parents are getting older too. And they’re gettn weaker too. I know I get pissed when they lecture or etc. I’m just not sure if I can be the kid that takes care of them. I want to leave. But I don’t want to leave without giving them security. In which I can take care of them without being around them.

So many thoughts, i want to do so much with my life but to just let go of them like that n to see my mom and dads current struggles .It’s hard on me. Like I said im tryn to keep face. I need direction, but where to this time ?